Here's to February

My name is Vivian and I suffer from chronic bitchface.

I've been told that my normal facial expression looks like I'm perpetually dissatisfied with the world, which, I want to clarify, is definitely not the case. (I'm only dissatisfied *most* of the time.) (Just kidding. I actually do consider myself to be relatively happy for a pessimist (I prefer the term "realistic"), but I dunno, I just don't smile that much.)

The end of the semester is tomorrow (pushed back a week because of that snow storm), and I think these last few months have left me evaluating my high school years more thoroughly than before. I know I've sounded pretty sentimental about these years in my last few posts, but it's now or never. When else am I going to be living out the great suburban cliche?

One of the things that I wish I had done more of was become a part of such a close knit group. I'm doing the yearbook page for this pretty exclusive string chamber orchestra at my school, and the description and pictures that one of my friends who's in that orchestra sent me makes me kind of wish I was a part of something like that too. Debate is clique-ish like that, but I don't think I ever really feel like I'm part of a team. Debate is too competitive; we're all in it to win it. It's just so easy to be caught up with yourself, especially because at the end of the day, the collective team doesn't really need to cooperate like a sports team or something. I'm not saying that the environment is necessarily hostile, but debate is a personal thing. There's a special kind of bond that you form with your debate partner that makes you feel like it's the two of you against everybody else, and the competition can make it hard for those teammate bonds to form.

I like debate, really, I do. I like how I know more about so many things I wouldn't have known otherwise, like US foreign policy and social services and space exploration. I like how easy it is for me to talk with people and to read out loud in class. I love how my English teacher appreciates the points I make about an argument's failings when we discuss arguments in class, and I especially love my ability to be able to give good debate speeches. I love what I do, and even though it doesn't come across the way it used to, I do appreciate the skills that I've gained and the experiences I've had.

There's still a lot of room for improvement for me as a competitor, but I've also learned now that I have everything that I really needed to gain from debate under my belt already. And now I just wish I had focused a little bit more of my time doing other things rather than just debate, so I could have become a more "well rounded" person earlier.

I think one of my biggest regrets of my high school years is that I didn't choose enough team or group activities to be a part of. I envy the sort of intimacy that groups like the orchestra has, because I want to be a part of something as intimate and supportive as that. Even though I'm an introvert, I like doing group activities in class, and I especially like doing group activities with people I'm not best or close friends with. There's such potential in that: bonding over an experience of teamwork and a shared goal, and to a deeper extent, a chance to make new friends.

Maybe I just want to make new friends and have those "team bonding moments." I don't often feel like I'm missing out on the "ideal high school experience" (let's not even start on how many of those high school parties I've obviously been invited to, or how many dates I've been on), but I do wish I had one of those little cliques of friends outside of my usual best friends, because as great as my friends are, I want to have another group of people to surround myself and be comfortable with too, you know?

Oh well. At least this month has already started out fabulous! I watched the 100th episode of Gossip Girl on Tuesday (which I guess is still last month technically...whatever), and even though I've seen/heard a lot of complaints, I thought it was great. Happy endings are terrible, because that means the end of all things interesting--and is it bad that I like toying with the idea of Dair? (Obviously I'm a Chair shipper, but Dan's funny and Blair always has the best comebacks. They're fun to watch together.)

My birthday is also next week! I will be turning young, but that's okay because my free Starbucks coupon came in the mail, I'm getting more free Red Mango, I got two free Fresh Sugars from Sephora and an excuse to ask my mum to buy me some cake.

Cakeeee

And I'll try and start doing some outfit posts this month when I'm in Berkeley! Debate has been my excuse to dress up, because I don't have enough clothes to wear well styled outfits every day of the week ;) Normally I dress kind of schlubby for school, so I use debate as an excuse to dress up, and four days of it in the gorgeous Golden state is as good as any.

(I swear, I really am excited about all of this! You just can't tell that by reading my facial expression.)

xoxo, vivian