[I'm not good enough]

Well, it's only been a third of the leap year month, and I'm already exhausted. I can only name one day this entire week that I went to bed before eleven; this, from a high schooler who used to go to bed before ten every non-debate day for the last two years! I don't even like staying up late (to do homework or study for tests anyways), and I'm definitely not an insomniac. And even when I have some energy to keep going at night, I crash so hard in the morning. It sucks, because I have physics first period, and my physics teacher's voice is soothing and I sit next to the window where it's still dark outside and sometimes he turns off the lights and UGH THIS IS WHY I STRUGGLE IN PHYSICS BECAUSE I'M NEVER AWAKE TO TAKE NOTES AND COMPREHEND WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ELECTROMAGNETISM.

Next week makes me tired just thinking about it: volunteering at the school blood drive, Valentine's flower fundraiser prep (like cleaning the stems and attaching the little love notes), physics test, US History quiz, English draft deadline, debate prep for Berkeley (oh god I don't want to think about that right now), state debate individual events qualifiers tournament, and then BERKELEY.

This week was so incredibly tiring (did I say that already? See how tired I am). My birthday was alright--my friends got me some fabulous gifts, like this Burberry plaid headband and Essie Pure Pearlfection. One of my best friends got me this huge bag full of granola bars and snack foods, and it was SO EXCITING because my mum hates buying what she considers "processed junk," but she couldn't say anything because it was a gift. (It's taking a lot of willpower for me to not go and eat it all this minute.) I also got this Coach bag from my parents last month as an early birthday present:

Isn't it darling?

I didn't really do anything special (other staying up until two though studying for a test I ended up pretty much failing) with it being a weekday and all, but I did find out that day that I didn't get chosen to be yearbook editor, even though it was a "close" selection. I don't know, even though being yearbook editor isn't that big of a deal, I just thought that this would finally be my non-second best title. And I actually cared about it too. Even though second semester just started this week and I'm still planning on doing yearbook again next year (I need another occupational credit anyways), I feel drained of it already. Now that my pages are pretty much done and the editors have been selected, the motivation for doing well is gone. Why should I make it a priority when I'm no longer even an option?

I guess it really is all about who you know; it doesn't matter how good you are if you don't have the right connections. It was difficult enough for me to even get into the class without knowing the editors or anybody else in it; the wait list has been over a hundred names long in the past. I should be happy about even being in the class to begin with, but the novelty of it has long worn off. My only "consolation prize" is that I'm now a "connection" for anybody who wants to get into the class next year.



xoxo, vivian

Come up roses

We're selling roses for Valentine's Day to fundraise for the American Red Cross tomorrow at lunch at my school, and I am so excited. I remember back in November when the Red Cross Club executive board met up one day after school to discuss potential ideas for a fundraiser and I just casually suggested selling roses for Valentine's Day, and it's just so weird (but in a good way) to see it all start to happen and turn into reality.

It's especially exciting because the bookkeeper said there hasn't been one at my school for years now, and the vice principal seems to think that it's going to be a hit when he discussed it with the ASB this morning. I hope it will be successful; I think I just take a little bit too much pride in the fact that it was my idea (even though it's not even that original). I'm kind of surprised this wasn't already an annual thing--I remember entering high school thinking that flower fundraisers were another one of those high school cliches, like prom or "the perfect high school relationship". (Maybe I just read too many young adult books in middle school.)


You should buy flowers for Valentine's Day because:
1. Audrey Hepburn likes flowers.
2. The profits from the roses we're selling will go towards the American Red Cross! :)

I'm also kind of worried though. What if no one wants to buy roses and thinks it's stupid? What if all the guys are too shy to buy flowers for their crushes? Almost all of the friends I've talked to about it are convinced that no one will buy them flowers (myself included), and while it'd be cute to get flowers from friends, how many people would?

Okay. I'm going to try and not stress myself out too much and just have fun with it. I really do like doing things like this--volunteering should be fun! At least I'll be getting some more experience for helping to organize a fundraiser, right?

Also, special thank you to June and Camilla and Valerie for the lovely early birthday wishes; my birthday is tomorrow, and seeing your messages today made me really happy and excited for it!

xoxo, vivian

Here's to February

My name is Vivian and I suffer from chronic bitchface.

I've been told that my normal facial expression looks like I'm perpetually dissatisfied with the world, which, I want to clarify, is definitely not the case. (I'm only dissatisfied *most* of the time.) (Just kidding. I actually do consider myself to be relatively happy for a pessimist (I prefer the term "realistic"), but I dunno, I just don't smile that much.)

The end of the semester is tomorrow (pushed back a week because of that snow storm), and I think these last few months have left me evaluating my high school years more thoroughly than before. I know I've sounded pretty sentimental about these years in my last few posts, but it's now or never. When else am I going to be living out the great suburban cliche?

One of the things that I wish I had done more of was become a part of such a close knit group. I'm doing the yearbook page for this pretty exclusive string chamber orchestra at my school, and the description and pictures that one of my friends who's in that orchestra sent me makes me kind of wish I was a part of something like that too. Debate is clique-ish like that, but I don't think I ever really feel like I'm part of a team. Debate is too competitive; we're all in it to win it. It's just so easy to be caught up with yourself, especially because at the end of the day, the collective team doesn't really need to cooperate like a sports team or something. I'm not saying that the environment is necessarily hostile, but debate is a personal thing. There's a special kind of bond that you form with your debate partner that makes you feel like it's the two of you against everybody else, and the competition can make it hard for those teammate bonds to form.

I like debate, really, I do. I like how I know more about so many things I wouldn't have known otherwise, like US foreign policy and social services and space exploration. I like how easy it is for me to talk with people and to read out loud in class. I love how my English teacher appreciates the points I make about an argument's failings when we discuss arguments in class, and I especially love my ability to be able to give good debate speeches. I love what I do, and even though it doesn't come across the way it used to, I do appreciate the skills that I've gained and the experiences I've had.

There's still a lot of room for improvement for me as a competitor, but I've also learned now that I have everything that I really needed to gain from debate under my belt already. And now I just wish I had focused a little bit more of my time doing other things rather than just debate, so I could have become a more "well rounded" person earlier.

I think one of my biggest regrets of my high school years is that I didn't choose enough team or group activities to be a part of. I envy the sort of intimacy that groups like the orchestra has, because I want to be a part of something as intimate and supportive as that. Even though I'm an introvert, I like doing group activities in class, and I especially like doing group activities with people I'm not best or close friends with. There's such potential in that: bonding over an experience of teamwork and a shared goal, and to a deeper extent, a chance to make new friends.

Maybe I just want to make new friends and have those "team bonding moments." I don't often feel like I'm missing out on the "ideal high school experience" (let's not even start on how many of those high school parties I've obviously been invited to, or how many dates I've been on), but I do wish I had one of those little cliques of friends outside of my usual best friends, because as great as my friends are, I want to have another group of people to surround myself and be comfortable with too, you know?

Oh well. At least this month has already started out fabulous! I watched the 100th episode of Gossip Girl on Tuesday (which I guess is still last month technically...whatever), and even though I've seen/heard a lot of complaints, I thought it was great. Happy endings are terrible, because that means the end of all things interesting--and is it bad that I like toying with the idea of Dair? (Obviously I'm a Chair shipper, but Dan's funny and Blair always has the best comebacks. They're fun to watch together.)

My birthday is also next week! I will be turning young, but that's okay because my free Starbucks coupon came in the mail, I'm getting more free Red Mango, I got two free Fresh Sugars from Sephora and an excuse to ask my mum to buy me some cake.

Cakeeee

And I'll try and start doing some outfit posts this month when I'm in Berkeley! Debate has been my excuse to dress up, because I don't have enough clothes to wear well styled outfits every day of the week ;) Normally I dress kind of schlubby for school, so I use debate as an excuse to dress up, and four days of it in the gorgeous Golden state is as good as any.

(I swear, I really am excited about all of this! You just can't tell that by reading my facial expression.)

xoxo, vivian

Dear Stanford,

I want to be your friend. No, I want you to want me to be your friend. I want this feeling to be mutual, because I don't want to be your biggest fan, or you mine. We're both better than that. We're capable of being real people with each other, right?

Before that night, I really had no idea what you thought of me, or if you even thought of me at all. I didn't know you listened to and remembered the things I said. I thought I was the only one who paid any attention, but I'm glad I'm wrong about that.

You surprised me a lot, and I'm glad I let myself be surprised. I want to thank you for it: thank you for talking to me when we were both probably comfortable with silence; thank you for being honest with me, even though I struggled to tell you what you wanted to know. I was afraid to tell you the whole truth, because if I said it, the illusion I've so carefully construed would collapse. I think I did break when I told you what I did on 92nd Street, just a little. That was my wall of distance, of space, of casual. I've never told anybody that before.

I want to be friends with you, because I want to be able to challenge your perception of me, and to show you that I am more than just the numbers that define me. I want you to challenge me too, and I want this because I want to know you.

You don't need to hear this from me, but you're going to be so successful someday. I wish you the best, and I'll see you around.

xoxo,
Yale

Not a love story

Hi there! I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging as much as I have in the past as of late. The end of the semester is coming up, and I've had my hands full this entire month. February looks pretty busy too--speaking of, we're officially guaranteed to go to Berkeley--the tickets and reservations were made today. The total cost comes out to $450 though, and that's not even including food, which, based on my coach's preferences, is going to cost at least $100 for the four day trip if we go to places like the iconic Cliff House in San Francisco and this restaurant that serves garlic everything (Stinking Rose? Garlic Rose? The team members who went there two years ago when I didn't get to have been raving about it since).

Aside from a hectic academic life, relationships have come up a lot lately. I've noticed a substantial increase in the number of friends who have come to me for relationship advice. Me! I don't consider myself a romantic, although I guess I might be to a certain level. I'm not good at this kind of stuff--I'm far too logical and realistic about romantic relationships, which, I guess, is one of the reasons why they come to me so they can hear me tell it like it is.

The whole idea of high school relationships is over-hyped. I'm not necessarily opposed to them, but my belief is that people put too much stock in them. It's not something specific to this generation either, although it's probably even more evident now with social networking sites like Facebook and Tumblr where teens are free to express their every thought to the world. But even based on the media pre-Internet Age, the vast majority of books, movies and TV shows set in high school focus or at least toy with the idea of a high school relationship. Think about it: how many can you name that don't? I'm drawing a blank.

I've seen so many of my friends and peers lament over not being in a relationship or being in a bad relationship or being in a "complicated" relationship; at what point is it too much? I think the real problem is that they dream of that storybook perfect life, the ones in books and movies and TV shows. Everybody likes a love story, and the fictional world makes us believe in to a type of obsession.

Maybe we all want to have the perfect "high school relationship" that has the landmark moments: that moment when you look up in class and catch the kid you've had your eye on staring at you; that moment when you're alone with the boy you like after a first date, in the car, or maybe the front doorstep, and you fall silent and give each other that look; that moment when you get asked to prom with roses and a charming smile; that moment when your lips meet--all those moments when you feel that spark pass through you. We're taught that these sorts of moments can happen to anybody, whether your the school heartthrob or the painful geek or just another ordinary girl. So sometimes, when the bar of expectation is set that high, reality becomes a disappointment.

That's when kids my age start to ask themselves: what am I doing wrong? Is it because I'm not pretty/funny/smart/flirty/appealing enough? Why doesn't anybody like me? Why are those people in relationships and I'm not? Am I just not good enough? What's wrong with me?

What if high school isn't a romantic comedy though? What if it's just a place to learn about history and language and science and math? What if it's a place to interact with people your own age, and to bond over the experience and shared interests and an education? What if it's meant to prepare you for the rest of your life, and to set the foundations for you to discover who you are? There's just so much more to high school than finding "love," and I wish more kids accepted this.

I'm not against high school relationships; I think they can be as worthwhile and fun as the next person. But at the same time, I don't believe that the perfect high school experience should be defined by relationships and romantic moments. Of course those things are nice, but no one should tell you that you need a romantic relationship to be happy, especially as a teenager.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only girl in the world who thinks like this. I probably am.

xoxo, vivian

Snow days and high school

It started snowing on Sunday, and they canceled school today because it started snowing again at around four or five this morning. The snow hasn't stopped since, so I'm pretty sure school will be canceled again tomorrow...but in the mean time, I can catch up on a couple of things I've been meaning to get to.

So I want to know: how have you been? I'm sorry I haven't been posting as frequently as I have in the past. I keep telling myself "okay, I'm going to blog about this, this, and this the next time I get on the computer" but it somehow never seems to translate into actual posts. *sigh*

I have a couple more projects/assignments to do before the end of the semester coming up at the end of the month. If it continues to snow like it is now for the next few days, they're probably going to cancel my last debate tournament for the month of January. At least February is going to be a busy debate month: we're hosting a tournament the first weekend, going to Spokane for the second, and Berkeley for the third.

One thing I'm really looking forward to is going to Berkeley again. I know I've been kind of pessimistic about it a lot in the last week, but I've decided there's not really any point to looking at it as the hell that it might be. I'm not going to deny the fact that it's going to be awkward and tense given the circumstances, but come on. I'm going to be in California for four days seeing friends I haven't seen in a year, eating delicious (and hopefully inexpensive) food, and taking lots of pictures of the (hopefully) sunny weather. (Then again, it's Northern California. Last time, it rained almost every day.) Why not take advantage of the opportunity and at least pretend like it's going to be the best time of my life?

The week I come back from Berkeley is also the same week we're hosting another Ghanaian Culture Night. If you don't live in the area, feel free to donate; it's a great, entirely student led non-profit organization dedicated to helping the Ghanaian youth in West Africa. (Yay advertising! Haha.)

I will probably also know whether or not I'm going to be yearbook editor for next year by next month. I know it's hardly a big deal, especially in my school, but I think it's cool to be able to make the book that people are going to have to show their grandchildren someday. (That sounded really cheesy, but I guess you have to be, if you're in yearbook. Make them feel like their high school years were some of the best of their lives! Heh-heh.) For someone who's borderline OCD and meticulous as me, it's going to be both fun and stressful. If I'm the editor next year, I'll do my best to make it good. ;)

I've been having a lot of fun doing things outside of debate lately. Even though it's been a stressful school year, I'm glad I decided to do all of these activities. It's nice to be able to have things I can throw myself into, because I really do feel that doing all of these activities have (as cheesy as it sounds) enriched my high school experience. I feel bad for those kids out there complain about high school, and see it as a "only the people who are popular in high school like it because it's the best time of their lives" sort of thing, because (and I'm clearly not one of those popular kids) it's a great opportunity to discover new things you probably didn't know you'd like.

(Cheesy/sentimental tone over.)

I think I'm going to go eat some mochi now. I love how there are so many Asian supermarkets on the West Coast--they have the best snack foods!


Lychee or strawberry? Decisions, decisions.

xoxo, vivian